this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
