it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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