I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
