i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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