Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
