I'm going to jail i love you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
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they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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