I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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