Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
