You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
