peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
not ubering you a puppy
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.