All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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