I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?