Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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