The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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