I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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