I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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