I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
