I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
