my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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