hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
