you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
