Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
