Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
