I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
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Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
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I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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