The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
