Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
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Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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