She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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