there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
