My nipple is on Facebook.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
