Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
