***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
