My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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