I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
