I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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