Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
