PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
