Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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