his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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