so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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