Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize