he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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