She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
