So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
