when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
