no, he came in my armpit
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
