I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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