Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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