god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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