I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
