she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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