I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
