I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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