There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
