Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
