Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
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Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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