i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
