you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
